Ya know.. sometimes I use big words.. I don't always understand them.. but I wanna make myself appear more photosynthesis. I had to stop drinking... I had to quit. I discovered I was allergic to alcohol.. every time I drank.. I broke out in handcuffs. My penis was in the "Guinness book of world records" once!.. but then the Librarian made me take it out.
ya know how to Find the perfect woman.... Play Monopoly with her.. and if she chooses the Iron.. shes a keeper. When I make a woman breakfast in bed..... ya know... a simple Thank
you is all I ask for.. not all that WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND HOW THE
HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE BS..
I'm gonna change my
Facebook name to Benefits.. that way when someone adds me on Facebook it
will say "you are now friends with Benefits" I was masturbating the
other day when I heard someone yell for help.. I came as fast as I could
My gf dumped me cause I stole her wheelchair... but she always comes crawling back!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tim Hortons to close 36 restaurants in New England, RI
For those of you who live in the New England area.. you have grown to love Tim Hortons. It all started in 2002-2004, when Tim Hortons bought out all the "Bess Eaton Donuts" locations and expanded their franchise. It took me roughly 4 years to acutally transition my daily coffee and sausage-egg-n-cheese wrap to that of Tim Hortons. Four Months ago they closed the location in Johnston, which was part of a Shell Gas station. This would have been fine... as there is another location on my way to work in Warwick, on Airport Rd. I pulled in today to get my morning fix.. and .. slap. No coffee.. no sandwich.. and no prior warning. Needless to say.. I am less then happy.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Spending the night in jail
I will not go over the events that took place to put myself in jail for the night, because the court date is still pending, but this is pretty much what you can expect if in a similar situation.
by the way, you need a torx # 9 screw driver to loosen the hand cuffs.
Being Processed
A large man with no degree or ambitions asks me for my license in the rudest way possible. He is probably a cop wannabe or maybe he likes power-tripping, either way, i don't care. go home to your fat ass pregnant wife and leave me alone.
The Cell
No jail bars, just solid walls. There is a metal shelf about 24 inches off the ground, 36 inches wide, by 72 inches long. A metal toilet also sits in the front center of the room, there is no toilet paper or soap, just a button that flushes.
Passing the time.
The overhead light within the jail cell itself is fluorescent, yet it is too bright to actually get some sleep in, ( I tried taking it apart to shut it off, and had no luck) so the only way I could fall asleep was to sleep underneath the metal shelf, so that there was no direct light.
Working out is a great way to pass the time. See how many sets of sit ups and push ups you can do. I kept doing them until my arms gave in and i collapsed. Leg lifts are great for abs too.
Throwing up is also a great way to pass the time. I threw up about 3-5 times during the night, it helps you not only to sober up, but it's also a great way to pass the time and loose a few extra lbs! Eventually, you come to the end, and are only left with bile.
When the guard finally does come some time around 10:30 am, (after his morning's 9th doughnut and coffee) he will supply you with (1) Plane Hamburger from McDonald's. The previous inmate decided to use the hamburger wrapper as design paper and the ketchup as glue, to create a Van Gogh on the wall. I would have proceeded to carry on his work/masterpiece, but I was suffering from advanced fatigue, and I had eaten all of my ketchup, it helped line my stomach.
Expect for pay $75-$100 when being released.
tell your boyfriend, that if he's got some beef, that i'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.
by the way, you need a torx # 9 screw driver to loosen the hand cuffs.
Being Processed
A large man with no degree or ambitions asks me for my license in the rudest way possible. He is probably a cop wannabe or maybe he likes power-tripping, either way, i don't care. go home to your fat ass pregnant wife and leave me alone.
The Cell
No jail bars, just solid walls. There is a metal shelf about 24 inches off the ground, 36 inches wide, by 72 inches long. A metal toilet also sits in the front center of the room, there is no toilet paper or soap, just a button that flushes.
Passing the time.
The overhead light within the jail cell itself is fluorescent, yet it is too bright to actually get some sleep in, ( I tried taking it apart to shut it off, and had no luck) so the only way I could fall asleep was to sleep underneath the metal shelf, so that there was no direct light.
Working out is a great way to pass the time. See how many sets of sit ups and push ups you can do. I kept doing them until my arms gave in and i collapsed. Leg lifts are great for abs too.
Throwing up is also a great way to pass the time. I threw up about 3-5 times during the night, it helps you not only to sober up, but it's also a great way to pass the time and loose a few extra lbs! Eventually, you come to the end, and are only left with bile.
When the guard finally does come some time around 10:30 am, (after his morning's 9th doughnut and coffee) he will supply you with (1) Plane Hamburger from McDonald's. The previous inmate decided to use the hamburger wrapper as design paper and the ketchup as glue, to create a Van Gogh on the wall. I would have proceeded to carry on his work/masterpiece, but I was suffering from advanced fatigue, and I had eaten all of my ketchup, it helped line my stomach.
Expect for pay $75-$100 when being released.
tell your boyfriend, that if he's got some beef, that i'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
SPEEDING when your shitfaced BADMAN
so yes, I am drunk right now.. and i will not remember this tomorrow,. but I want to explain driving fast at its best. So yes.. i drive a corvette.. and yes it goes at speeds that your Honda accord can only dream about... and i am not shallow and do not have many material possession.. . but this one falls in the Grey area if you know what i mean.. now let me just say this.. in certain cherrovlet models, I am pretty sure that the faster you go, and the louder your engine is...radio gets louder because of this.. to make up for the sound of the engine.. and this has happened twice so far in my life, and tonight was one of those nights... now.. It could be a divine intervention from god telling my radio to go louder, or it could just me me being wasted.. but it does get louder when you get in excess of 100MPH speeds..
so. with that said.. make sure your tires are well balanced...
now.. when you reach 130 mph. you know you are going fast because you are passing people on the highway like they are geriatrics going to bingo, but when you start hitting 145, then your windshield wipers start to blow up as if they are trying to stay down, but they can't. and when you hit 150mph., they only seem to work in the high wind shield wiper speed. which is like back in forth 3 times a second or somrth shjit,.
anyway.. im drunk and i spell checked this , which is why i didn't make to many mistakes
peace out..
Andrew Monda
- there is nothing you can do , that i have not already done to myself
so. with that said.. make sure your tires are well balanced...
now.. when you reach 130 mph. you know you are going fast because you are passing people on the highway like they are geriatrics going to bingo, but when you start hitting 145, then your windshield wipers start to blow up as if they are trying to stay down, but they can't. and when you hit 150mph., they only seem to work in the high wind shield wiper speed. which is like back in forth 3 times a second or somrth shjit,.
anyway.. im drunk and i spell checked this , which is why i didn't make to many mistakes
peace out..
Andrew Monda
- there is nothing you can do , that i have not already done to myself
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Here's one for all you Animal Lovers out there!
I'm going to tell this story as if it was told to me yesterday, but in all reality, it happened 4 years ago,(roughly 2004)
So... I have a friend named Jon. Jon has a girlfriend Ashley. Now.. Jon is a real built guy, about 6'2, benches 260, etc,.. etc. Jon's girlfriend is a Petite girl who suffers from a common disease.. Noassatall. Yes, it exists, and you can look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway.. they have been dating for about 8 months. One afternoon he goes to her parents house to visit her / pick her up. They hang out for a while, watch tv, and eventually start having sex. Now.. Jon loves anal sex (FDA) and usually so does his girlfriend.... At least from what he told me, which was that they do it all the time. So, Jon was fucking her for a while, and decides.. ITS TIME FOR ANAL! so, he starts fucking her in her ass. Unfortunately on this Wednesday afternoon, Ashley had not been feeling too well. She started screaming "OMG STOP STOP STOP, MY STOMACH!!! STOP" Most of you can guess what happened next, he stops, pulls out, and YUPPPP..... she shits (diarrhea) all over the couch (moms couch).
Jon, obviously disgusted by this, runs to the bathroom to wash off his tinted brown dick. Before he could even come out, he hears another "OMG!" scream, coming from his girlfriend. The scream was similar to the first one, but this one was a bit more panicky and less painful. Ashley's mom had just pulled in the driveway. With less then five minutes to clean up the shit stained couch, they did all they could, and left the room. Her mom walks in, and a few moments later, Jon hears another "OMG" scream coming from her mother as she discovers the shit mess on the couch. Ashley runs in the room, and quickly comes up with a somewhat believable story. Mom! Garfield (the family cat) has been real sick throwing up all day, and now this! I don't know if he has eaten something or what but I think you should bring him to the vet.
10 minutes later, Jon and Ashley left to go out to eat and get some drinks, and later that night, he took her home ...
.
.
the next afternoon, when we are all eating lunch at the uMass dining hall, he tells us this story, and on the walk back to the dorms, he gets a phone call from Ashley. She is crying historically, and could barely get the words out... but after a few tries, he knew what she had said.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SHE HAD HIM PUT TO SLEEEP!
So... I have a friend named Jon. Jon has a girlfriend Ashley. Now.. Jon is a real built guy, about 6'2, benches 260, etc,.. etc. Jon's girlfriend is a Petite girl who suffers from a common disease.. Noassatall. Yes, it exists, and you can look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway.. they have been dating for about 8 months. One afternoon he goes to her parents house to visit her / pick her up. They hang out for a while, watch tv, and eventually start having sex. Now.. Jon loves anal sex (FDA) and usually so does his girlfriend.... At least from what he told me, which was that they do it all the time. So, Jon was fucking her for a while, and decides.. ITS TIME FOR ANAL! so, he starts fucking her in her ass. Unfortunately on this Wednesday afternoon, Ashley had not been feeling too well. She started screaming "OMG STOP STOP STOP, MY STOMACH!!! STOP" Most of you can guess what happened next, he stops, pulls out, and YUPPPP..... she shits (diarrhea) all over the couch (moms couch).
Jon, obviously disgusted by this, runs to the bathroom to wash off his tinted brown dick. Before he could even come out, he hears another "OMG!" scream, coming from his girlfriend. The scream was similar to the first one, but this one was a bit more panicky and less painful. Ashley's mom had just pulled in the driveway. With less then five minutes to clean up the shit stained couch, they did all they could, and left the room. Her mom walks in, and a few moments later, Jon hears another "OMG" scream coming from her mother as she discovers the shit mess on the couch. Ashley runs in the room, and quickly comes up with a somewhat believable story. Mom! Garfield (the family cat) has been real sick throwing up all day, and now this! I don't know if he has eaten something or what but I think you should bring him to the vet.
10 minutes later, Jon and Ashley left to go out to eat and get some drinks, and later that night, he took her home ...
.
.
the next afternoon, when we are all eating lunch at the uMass dining hall, he tells us this story, and on the walk back to the dorms, he gets a phone call from Ashley. She is crying historically, and could barely get the words out... but after a few tries, he knew what she had said.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SHE HAD HIM PUT TO SLEEEP!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Just another Saturday Night at the Harbourside
Summer 2007 - Harbourside - East Greenwich
So, there I was, balls deep in vodka with my buddy Nathan Rizk. Yes, I use real names, and Yes, you can look him up and ask him about this night... in fact, I condone it. So, it's towards the end of the night, and things are going pretty good. I'm talking to this smoking brunette, Sarah,(who looks like a shorter version of Meghan Fox) and Nate has gotten into some deep conversation with Sarah's friend Alyssa, also very cute. Now, Nate isn't exactly a ladies man, in fact, he has less game then a blind paraplegic dwarf. So I'm pretty happy with where this night is heading. Sarah and I end up leaving the bar a few minutes before close, and I walk her back to her car which is a few minutes away walking... We start making out in the parking lot, and then in her car. We both didn't want to call it an early night, so I told her that her and her friend should come back and have some drinks at my place. She agrees, and we drive back to the harbourside to find Alyssa and Nate.
As we are driving back, I notice my friend Nate standing in the middle of a closer parking lot with no shirt on. As we get even closer, I notice Sarah's friend Alyssa laying on the ground next to him bleeding. So we pull up, and I say the obvious.. "What the fuck man?" Apparently, she was tired, and wanted a piggy-back ride, and unfortunately, Piggy back rides and heavy drinking don't go together like bread and butter. Nate says that she jumped up too high when she went to get on his back and she is arguing that he got down to low... Either way, the bitch did a complete frog dive over him and face planted in the cement. Her face was scratched up pretty good, but the badly broken nose didn't help things. He felt so bad, that he took off his shirt so she could use it as a blood rag. Needless to say, the girls ended up going to the ER without us and Nate (shirtless) and I walked back to my apartment to cut our losses.
So, there I was, balls deep in vodka with my buddy Nathan Rizk. Yes, I use real names, and Yes, you can look him up and ask him about this night... in fact, I condone it. So, it's towards the end of the night, and things are going pretty good. I'm talking to this smoking brunette, Sarah,(who looks like a shorter version of Meghan Fox) and Nate has gotten into some deep conversation with Sarah's friend Alyssa, also very cute. Now, Nate isn't exactly a ladies man, in fact, he has less game then a blind paraplegic dwarf. So I'm pretty happy with where this night is heading. Sarah and I end up leaving the bar a few minutes before close, and I walk her back to her car which is a few minutes away walking... We start making out in the parking lot, and then in her car. We both didn't want to call it an early night, so I told her that her and her friend should come back and have some drinks at my place. She agrees, and we drive back to the harbourside to find Alyssa and Nate.
As we are driving back, I notice my friend Nate standing in the middle of a closer parking lot with no shirt on. As we get even closer, I notice Sarah's friend Alyssa laying on the ground next to him bleeding. So we pull up, and I say the obvious.. "What the fuck man?" Apparently, she was tired, and wanted a piggy-back ride, and unfortunately, Piggy back rides and heavy drinking don't go together like bread and butter. Nate says that she jumped up too high when she went to get on his back and she is arguing that he got down to low... Either way, the bitch did a complete frog dive over him and face planted in the cement. Her face was scratched up pretty good, but the badly broken nose didn't help things. He felt so bad, that he took off his shirt so she could use it as a blood rag. Needless to say, the girls ended up going to the ER without us and Nate (shirtless) and I walked back to my apartment to cut our losses.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
How to sneak Alcohol onto a Cruise Ship - booze - customs - etc.
well.. for those of you who cruise as much as I do... (4+ times a year), you know how expensive alcohol is on the cruise ship, and I'm sure you have all said the same words "WHATTTT THEEEE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!" when you received your bill at the end of the week. I have tried bringing strait bottles of Vodka, Tequila, Rum, etc with me just in my luggage, and with that method, I find it works about 25% of the time... which is horrible. Now, you must know that if they find that you have brought alcohol with you, you will not be in trouble, you will not pay fines, and in fact, they will actually give you your booze back on the last day of the cruise, but by that time, you will have drankan your way into your 2nd mortgage.
So here is what you do...
First, visit your local supermarket, and buy some 2 liter soda bottles (clear ones, like sprite, 7up, etc)
then go online, and find a place that sells 2 liter soda bottle sealed caps, you can google it and do some research to find many websites where you can find them but I will include one right here, for those of you in a hurry...
http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/product/1401
the link above is selling 30 sealed caps for $4.95.
so, you empty out the soda bottles, fill them to the right level (about an inch from the top) with vodka, or the spirit of your choice, then remove the old cap and cap seal from the bottles, and reseal them using your New Sealed Caps! Once you screw the caps on, the seal will go into place, and seal the bottle. THATS IT. Pack them in your suitcase just as you would a bottle of soda (soda is OK to bring on the cruise with you, and if anyone ever said anything, obviously it is because you don't like drinking the water on the cruise ship) but no one will
Now... I usually have an entourage of 6 friends with me, which for me is 10 2 liter bottles. (20 liters of vodka) but keep in mind that is on a 7 day cruise, and we are all alcoholics, but Plan accordingly and remember, it is always good to be over prepared, you never know when you might have 6 hot hunnies in the cabin who you have to host for, so I always say bring extras!
Also, try to separate the soda bottles evenly throughout the luggage when you put them in it. Put a few two liters in each piece of luggage, instead of 10 2 liters is just one bag... so split it up between your friends.
Happy hunting, and good luck
- Andrew Monda
So here is what you do...
First, visit your local supermarket, and buy some 2 liter soda bottles (clear ones, like sprite, 7up, etc)
then go online, and find a place that sells 2 liter soda bottle sealed caps, you can google it and do some research to find many websites where you can find them but I will include one right here, for those of you in a hurry...
http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/product/1401
the link above is selling 30 sealed caps for $4.95.
so, you empty out the soda bottles, fill them to the right level (about an inch from the top) with vodka, or the spirit of your choice, then remove the old cap and cap seal from the bottles, and reseal them using your New Sealed Caps! Once you screw the caps on, the seal will go into place, and seal the bottle. THATS IT. Pack them in your suitcase just as you would a bottle of soda (soda is OK to bring on the cruise with you, and if anyone ever said anything, obviously it is because you don't like drinking the water on the cruise ship) but no one will
Now... I usually have an entourage of 6 friends with me, which for me is 10 2 liter bottles. (20 liters of vodka) but keep in mind that is on a 7 day cruise, and we are all alcoholics, but Plan accordingly and remember, it is always good to be over prepared, you never know when you might have 6 hot hunnies in the cabin who you have to host for, so I always say bring extras!
Also, try to separate the soda bottles evenly throughout the luggage when you put them in it. Put a few two liters in each piece of luggage, instead of 10 2 liters is just one bag... so split it up between your friends.
Happy hunting, and good luck
- Andrew Monda
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